My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Okay
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*