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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers