This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
the short answer to this question
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.