Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?