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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college