@CatherineLMK: A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
@Ygrene: Person: trust me, I know a thing or two Me: (untrustingly) that's really not an impressive number of things to know
@TheMichaelRock: Foreigner: I wanna know what love is.. Me: It's a feeling you get when.. Foreigner: I want you to show me.. Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
@daemonic3: Sloth 911: What's your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I'VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON'T MOVE! We'll be there in a month