A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.