A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it