A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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There’s always that one guy
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.