A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.