A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.