[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
so this horse walks into a bar
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.