@WhatevaConc: A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons.
@Reverend_Scott: Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then- Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]