A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Weighing up my bread heating options