@WhatevaConc: A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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@rachelle_mandik: a kid i met insisted she visited the "vampire state building" and i couldn't bring myself to correct her
@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
@notbedelia: When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.