A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: