@NicCageMatch: A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
@Brampersandon_: NURSE: do you have any allergies ME: burnt bread NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread? ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"