A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
U talkin 2 me?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.