A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.