Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*