@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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@meatlobes: *waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*
@Thynebear: [Gets on one knee] Margaret- [Pulls out ring] Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won't stop following me.
@joshbupkes: when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"
@food_shoes_life: Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.