A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–