@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant] Me: do you have orange cat food? Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
@Swishergirl24: Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you're rock climbing.
@InternetHippo: [meeting her parents] GF (whispering): Please don't make a scene ME (angry-whispering): You told me there'd be cheese