A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You Might Also Like
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My life in a nutshell
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms