[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.