[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
thank god
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time