A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?