A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
constantly working on myself.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.