a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You Might Also Like
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
*frowns in Scottish*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The old gods are rising again.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY