a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”