A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: iâm the only one here
CEO: yep
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didnât apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasnât looking.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
đśRow, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machineđś
Truth. đđđŽâđ¨
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like âshe looked so cool in the 90sâ and some freak will quote tweet it like âYeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.â and itâs like iâm sorry why would i know about that
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was âWhy donât they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?â
Then I realized thaaaaatâs a cage.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Couldnât find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I donât know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.