A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
This dude got his own movie?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”