@lecalabara: A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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@Cpin42: Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking...I’ll never have abs like that.
@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min
@pixelatedboat: I was bitten by a crow, since then I've had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
@Tommytoughstuff: [Date] "I'm going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there's six."