@lecalabara: A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?
@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
@TheMichaelRock: *catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.
@GavinProbably: How did Hitler tie his shoes? In knotsies. (The unfollow button is only a click away)