A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
security at the airport getting more straightforward