@KaysNH: A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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@daplusk: 'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in' Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
@AtticusFinch79: [parking lot in the 80's] *man appears to be having a heart attack* MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR ME: that's great, grandma. now he can record the shows he's missing when he's dead