A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy