*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I missed you with all my darts
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately