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@TlaxBoy05: A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
@JediGigi: I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I'm pretty.
@MumsieEsq: "DADDY!?!" (toddler calling out)
Me: "Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?"
"Yes. You can go get Daddy."
@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!"
"Sir, this is a library."
*whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
@AsgardianRose: Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.
@TEXASVETERAN: A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald's.