A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5