A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.