@jjhartinger: A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.
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@DevilryFun: I do my best speed walking when I'm trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
@envydatropic: You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
@thepunningman: "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"