A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“I’m helping” 😅
Welcome to the stomach
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
This was a bad idea all around
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Spell check is for lasers.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A fake ID that makes you younger
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead