A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You Might Also Like
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows