A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
goldfish mafia
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here