A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When I snag the last meatball.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Just got to our Airbnb!