A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing 鈥榩robably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost 拢1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I鈥檓 really worried about you.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn鈥檛 count.