A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
You Might Also Like
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Thank you corporation very cool
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman