Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!