Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.