A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
You Might Also Like
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.