My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets