a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord