A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
tinder profile where the fish is holding me