A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You Might Also Like
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.