A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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Doggies just call it style.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.