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I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?