*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.