chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
You Might Also Like
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*