Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: